Christmas wrap-up

Every year I start to plan for Christmas early in hope of actually relaxing and enjoying it instead of getting caught up in all the rush, and every year somewhere I get bogged down, and end up again rushed, frantic, and not enjoying Christmas the way that I want to. This year was no different. Back in September I started making lists and planning and yet I still ended up shopping right up until the day before Christmas Eve, and then there's the cookie guilt, I like to cook and bake and yet this year I did not make time to bake one batch of Christmas cookies...ugghhh
But there were some bright spots, mostly the fact that my seven year old took it upon herself to memorize Luke 2:8-14,( the same verse Linus quotes in Charlie Brown Christmas) and that she took great pride that it was right there word for word in Daddy's Bible, which she read from on Christmas Eve (even though she already knew it so she didn't really need to read it). There was also the sheer joy on both children's faces when they saw that Santa did indeed come. There was the fact that after all the presents were opened my daughter looked at me and said "why did Santa bring so much, I don't need this many toys." Maybe "Santa" got too caught up in the frantic rush and commercialism, but its good to know somebody in our house remembered what it is really all about...she's a pretty smart kid...
I'm trying to let go of my perfectionism and take the time to do the important things, so last night even though we were a few days late we baked a birthday cake for Jesus and sang to him, and I felt truly happy...

sadness

When I reached into my daughter's bookbag yesterday among the construction paper Christmas trees and other Christmas crafts was a note on school letterhead. It was to inform us that on Saturday the mother of one of the girls in my daughter's first grade class had lost a short battle with cancer. I can't stop thinking about this poor girl, left with no mommy. She is an only child so there is only her and her father now. I can't stop crying and thinking about what she must be going through. Sometimes life is so unfair...Her name is Samantha, please keep her in your prayers...

Good Day, Bad Day

Yesterday was a Good Day. It was warmer tha usual and sunny. I had been worrying about how we were going to get through the weekend financially with about 25.00 in the bank until Monday and then poof my commission check arrived a week earlier than expected. I was excited about my parents upcoming visit and looking forward to Christmas in general...
Then today happened.
I cannot even pinpoint what has changed. Its still warm although its cloudy today. The money for the weekend is still there, but a totally different feeling has come over me. A feeling of dread and I don't know why. A family member called with a financial need that we will be able to help them with, and maybe its just the stress of that...maybe its the lack of sunlight...I don't know what causes this feeling, but I hate it...I feel like I cannot breathe...
I feel like shutting myself in my room with my Bible and praying all night, but there is a girl scout Christmas Party to attend and homework to do...so I will have to do my praying on the move.
I hope tomorrow is a Good day again...

Fa-la-la-la-la laFriday Five

1. A favorite 'secular' Christmas song. - "I'll be home for Christmas", this one brings back memories of listening to my Mom's Christmas records.


2. Christmas song that chokes you up (maybe even in spite of yourself--the cheesier the better) - "Was He A Boy Like Me" - from my children's Veggietales Christmas album.


3. Christmas song that makes you want to stuff your ears with chestnuts roasted on an open fire. -"Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer"


4. The Twelve Days of Christmas: is there *any* redeeming value to that song? Discuss. - I personally could do without this song, but my kids like it so I guess its ok.


5. A favorite Christmas album - I don't have a favorite album, but any of the old Perry Como or Bing Crosby versions are good.

Mele Kalikimaka !!

Crying

I don't know what is up with me lately but I just can't seem to stop crying. I have always been an emotional person, but this is way more than just emotional. It seems like everytime I turn around I'm crying...its only 9:00 a.m. and I have already cried twice today. I am not extremely unhappy or anything, it just seems like little things set me off. Maybe its the season, I love this time of year and I am enjoying it for the most part, but I think I have kept some feelings inside too long and now they are starting to bubble to the top. About 2 years ago my parents moved due to my father's work and I really thought that it didn't bother me that much, but now with Christmas approaching I realize that I miss them, especially my Mom alot more than I let on...they will be visiting in a week, but sometimes I just wish she was only five minutes away so we could just hang out like we used to. Then there's my brother who lives even farther away with his wife and son. I haven't seen him in about 2 years and that is what set me off today...a story about the Charlotte's web movie that I heard on the radio, and the memory of when my brother bought me that book with his own money, just to be nice. I miss him too...
I'm debating whether to include another thing that has set me off, but maybe it will help me to feel better. When I had my son almost five years ago I really thought that I would have one more child, I never thought that he would be my last baby. Although it is still possible that we could have another child, it is unlikely. The older the children get the harder it is to think of starting all over again...when I realized this the other day it was like a curtain of sadness came over me...how did the time go so fast, when did I miss the "right time" to have another baby. I know I am blessed to have the two wonderful children I have, it is just so sad to me to try to let go of the dream of one more. I guess I will just have to pray for God to help me through this.
I'm crying as a write this, so I guess that makes three times today...time to grab some more kleenex...